Are you in a boring marriage? Couples who come to me for counseling often wonder why their marriage isn’t as exciting as it once was. They don’t feel as intellectually or emotionally stimulated by spending time together. Instead, they feel as though they’re motions, stuck in a rut, and simply fulfilling marital obligations. Their heart just isn’t in it anymore. It didn’t start that way, so how did it get that way? We’ll explore why it might be boring, a principle from the Bible about your heart, and a practical solution to a boring marriage.
Here are some of the regular aspects of everyday life that rise up and choke out a vibrant marriage. As an adult, many things consume our energy and can lead to a lack of energy to love our spouse:
And more.
However, these alone don’t fill in the puzzle of boring marriages.
I’m a follower of Jesus, but even if you’re not, his words provide great wisdom. Jesus taught without fear of offense, not sidestepping around thorny Roman and Jewish issues of his day. You don’t have to filter what he says when you’re reading him. Jesus, when explaining how things are, actually explains how things are; when He is saying how things should be, He explains how they should be. How refreshing that He doesn’t mix those two things up.
Here is one of my favorite examples, and I think the solution to boring marriages is hidden here: “ …for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matt 6:21)
In most of touchy-feely feel-good self-help nonsense, it would be cuter and more prosaic. It would read: “Wherever your heart is, there shall you put your treasure…” But Jesus is describing the human condition here, how things are, rather than how things should be, then realistically applying it to how we should live.
The non-Jesus way makes it sound like our treasure follows our hearts. The only measure of sincerity our culture accepts is our emotions. I shouldn’t do anything unless my “heart is in it,” right? But think about it; that makes sincerity and authenticity, two static and stable things, dependent on emotions, which are mercurial, dynamic, and constantly changing. Making values based on uncertainty and change is a recipe for disaster (and a bad marriage). Sincerity and authenticity are about being what you claim to be, so both are matters of choice.
While I can’t entirely choose what I feel or desire, I can create environments and circumstances to encourage certain emotions in myself. My choices have the power to lead my emotions.
In other words, the heart follows the treasure.
For Christians and non-Christians alike, there’s powerful psychological wisdom here.
If your heart is not in your marriage, I assume it must be because you have stopped putting your treasure there. Your heart has no treasure to follow.
Remember when you were dating and spent hours thinking about your girlfriend or boyfriend, hundreds or thousands of dollars pursuing them, and dozens of hours doing romantic things with each other? Remember how hard it was for something to divert your attention from them? Do you remember the poems, the letters, the love notes, the creativity, or even just the dates?
All of these are treasures:
So, here’s the challenge: If you’re in a boring marriage, you’re not investing your treasure in your spouse.
Solution? My (almost) foolproof solution to boring marriages is helping each spouse (especially the husband) plan a weekend away. Plan it for at least a month from now, but don’t tell them until you have to. Make it all about them getting what they love the most. Remember their favorite places to go, things to do, etc.
Do it right and spare as little expense as possible in time, strategy, and money. Start writing a card and write one thing you are thankful about each day in preparation for your trip. Enjoy the experience of your heart chasing your treasure, even though they don’t know about all the planning.
If your treasure is in it, your heart will follow.
If you need help, or want someone to come alongside your marriage, reach out and schedule with one of our therapists.Â
