by Blackzheep @iStockphoto.com
Pornography feels universal in modern life. It’s pervasive online and always lurks as a potential pitfall, but some have claimed it can be used positively. Whether for sex education or just to spice up one’s sex life, many people claim it can boost sexual feelings. Books, movies, pundits, and alleged experts all tout this idea. I consider using pornography immoral, but regardless, using pornography like this simply doesn’t work. So, no, porn is never good.
It’s a common error I see couples make, using pornography or even an affair to stimulate their sexual desire for their spouse. But why is it a mistake? First, we need to consider three kinds of sexual desire and which kind porn falls into.
There are three kinds of sex—illicit, erotic, and intimate. Intimate sex is about getting to know and connect with another person. Erotic sex involves an emotional, passionate feeling and desire. Illicit sex is exciting but wrong in some devious way. Intimate and erotic sex can mix, and illicit and erotic can mix, but intimate and illicit cannot mix. (For more about these kinds of sex, see my new book, Sex and Marriage).
To see why, consider buying a Rolex watch. If I have $100, I can either save up for the real thing or buy a counterfeit right away. I can’t do both at the same time. Buying a cheap counterfeit may feel addictive because of its novel excitement. In the same way, cheap, counterfeit, and illicit sexuality, whether adultery or pornography, won’t fill the ultimate sexual desire for intimacy.
In short, pornography doesn’t fix anyone’s relational problems. This is backed up by a recent longitudinal study, which found “the probability of divorce roughly doubled for married Americans who began pornography use” in between the survey’s follow-up. Fight the New Drug summarizes up-to-date research in this way, “People who consume porn tend to become
Recent research suggests that porn is broadly dangerous and overall negative for marriages.
Why is internet porn so addicting and widespread? Dr. Alvin Cooper calls it the “triple-A engine” effect. Internet porn has
While research hasn’t settled whether porn can be classified, technically, as a psychological “addiction,” it can nevertheless be considered addictive in the normal use of the word. Porn users at least seem to have compulsivity issues when dealing with porn. And many, many users consider it “unwanted” sexual behavior.
Many feel as though they can control pornography. While some who use pornography don’t seem to get addicted (at least right away), having a habit of watching pornography is like keeping around a wolf. It may seem friendly for a while, like just another house dog. For years, they may act perfectly peaceful. Any day, however, the killer instincts can kick in, and the canine becomes a serious, life-threatening danger. In the same way, porn may appear tame, but illicit sex will always take us farther than we want to go. A hard time in our marriage, a lost job, or any other difficult circumstance could latch on to porn and cause us to spiral.
We may feel like the master, but before we know it, we start fantasizing about the porn when having sex with our spouse. We start sneaking away at work to get a quick view in. Then, the servant becomes the master over us. As someone who’s struggled with these temptations before, I can speak from personal experience.
Illicit sexual desire and porn may start off minor, but it never stays that way.
The illicit sex industry, including porn, is worth around $300 Billion worldwide. Porn sites spend millions or billions to do everything they can to keep people watching. The fake thing is the best fake money can buy. Some claim around 25 percent of all search queries are for adult content. The titan of an industry can throw serious money behind making the experience as addictive as possible.
Much like tobacco companies in the 20th century, internet porn tries to hook kids as early as possible. Common Sense Media revealed in 2023, “73% of teen respondents age 13 to 17 have watched pornography online—and more than half (54%) reported first seeing pornography by the time they reached the age of 13.”
Pornography continues to become more and more prevalent. According to one 2020 study with over 1,000 diverse survey participants, “91.5% of men and 60.2% of women . . . reported having consumed pornography in the past month.” Internet pornography is very successful, continuing to expand, reach younger and younger children, and is already boosting research into VR. Porn, and any illicit sex, undermine healthy, intimate sexuality.
You will know an industry by its fruits. Human trafficking, modern sex slavery, thrives in the modern trends of porn. In 2020, the National Human Trafficking Hotline reported that “pornography moved to the number one venue of where trafficking cases were reported within the United States.”
If you consider yourself addicted and you can’t stop your own unwanted sexual behaviors, contact one of our counselors to get help today.
In addition, Fight the New Drug is an excellent resource. If you think an internet blocker could help (I always use one), check out Covenant Eyes. Whether you see a therapist or not, you can’t get through this alone. A helpful book to consider is Unwanted by Jay Stringer.
Have others hold you accountable and do the work to root the rot out of your life.
