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How often should a married couple have sex? 16 Ok, just kidding. I know that most people are looking for a number, and even though you knew that I wasn’t going to offer one so easily, I know you are hoping for an easy answer even though you know one doesn’t exist. But sex frequency in marriage is one of the most nuanced topics we can walk through with our spouse. Answers? Yes. Easy ones? No.


How frequently should we have sex in marriage?

First, let me start with encouraging you to run over and read about The Dangers of Expectations (both parts) and I also strongly recommend another article about being (and being a) disappointed/ment.


The area of sex is one of the most challenging topics for us to deal with because of the powerful emotions that are almost always entwined with sex. Very few people start with sex in a healthy way. Most of us are introduced to the topic way too early –whether sex play with a more “educated” child, abuse from an older child or adult, or early introduction to pornography – we are all working with mixed and damaged scripts about sex.


There is so much more to sex than frequency. Below, there is a link to a series of talks that capture the depth of the conversation and those talks are a healthy context for this conversation about frequency.


Outside of a deeper and more spiritual understanding of sex, just a conversation about “frequency” can lead to a lot more pain and problems than solutions.


Talking about sex frequency with your spouse

That being said, this question of “how often” is one of the most common that I hear!


I have met with many couples about sexual issues over the years, and have rarely ever found a couple that both had the exact same desire for sex in regards to frequency.


Rarely have I even met a couple in which both are completely satisfied with the frequency of how often they engage sexually.


I have met way too many couple who had capitulated and given up and accepted defeat in this area. Neither of the spouses are happy or satisfied… but just vanquished.


They cannot consider of them both being able to win, so one of them just bears the brunt of the frequency or infrequency. What was once a source of strength, energy and encouragement for them both has become a taboo topic filled with silence or long lectures, misunderstanding and resentment, etc…


They have talked and talked but without any increase in understanding or improvement of the problem.


Please take the time to try to find some freedom in truth. Some of the truth that can lead to freedom, especially for married couples, is talked about here in these talks and articles. I honestly believe these will help more than a quick answer…

(part 2 of “How Often Should a Married Couple Have Sex?”)