(This is part 2 of a series on being a perfectionist. See part 1 here)
“Put on your happy face”, “Second place is the first loser”, “I must not make any mistakes”, “This is all wrong”, “the view from second dog never changes…” Sound familiar? How about the message “I’ll never be good enough” no matter how successful, beautiful or wealthy I am. Are these the sayings that motivate you, or are they actually the sayings that bring you down? If any of this hits close to home, more likely than not, you are a perfectionist.
“Now hold on” you might say, “a perfectionist is someone who has to have everything straight or in order.” Some might call that obsessive compulsive. You might argue, based on that definition, you are not a perfectionist. “You should see my room and my car, I have last month’s McDonald’s wrappers floating around every time the window is rolled down.” Well let me tell you, being orderly is not the only type of perfectionism. There are in fact, many shades of perfectionism that can cause depression, anxiety, anger and relationship problems.
The more I work with people, I keep seeing an underlying idea that “things need to be different than they are.” This often stems from unrealistic high expectations; one of the key ingredients to perfectionism. I believe these expectations are tied closely to the rules of our culture or ideas passed down to us from significant relationships. If you had parents who constantly belittled you, or were perfectionists themselves, then the message you probably got was, “I’m not good enough until I’m perfect.” If you’re in any sort of relationship with a perfectionist, it can be draining because no matter how hard you try, your attempts are never good enough. The ironic thing is if you ask what they are expecting, they have a difficult time defining it.
The second ingredient to perfectionism is the inability to let little mistakes go. So many people I meet have an internal lists of all the things they and their love ones have done “wrong”. In this case, “wrong” is a relative term, again, usually linked to our unrealistic expectations. A perfectionist is driven by this fear of failure. On a scale of one to ten, the mistake might be a 3 to others, but to a perfectionist it is a 10. It is important to understand and believe that we really do learn from our mistakes. This is a hard concept if everything you do is “never good enough”.
These ingredients are combined, and then manifested in many shades. A moral perfectionist has a strict set of “rules” to live by and feels unforgivable if they fall short. An emotional perfectionist has to always be happy. A relationship perfectionist believes if you really love someone you will not fight or be disappointed by the other person. A physical perfectionist has to have the perfect body. The perceived perfectionist is always worried that others perceive them as having it all together. A performance perfectionist feels that to be worthwhile he/she must succeed in everything he/she does. And of course there is the classic Obsessive-compulsive perfectionist who has to have everything in its right place. There are many other shades of perfectionism and all forms create a sense of defeat because no matter how hard we try, we are running from failure.
If you are a perfectionist, there is hope! By redefining your life and the way you look at things, you’re not doing less quality work or lowering your standards. In fact you can alleviate the self-imposed stress by seeing the way you learn is from your mistakes and by having some realistic expectations about what it means to be human. – accept that disappointment is a part of the universal human condition! By focusing on the positive, letting go of the idea that your worth is determined by your accomplishments, cultivating a real sense of pleasure in your life, and challenging destructive thought patterns, you have some new ingredients to a healthy pursuit of excellence.
You’re not alone and we would love to join you as you take steps toward a stronger, healthier future.
I believe we all need a safe place to explore the issues that may be preventing us from experiencing a full and satisfying life. My greatest reward as a therapist is helping my clients examine ways to make the changes in their lives that will allow them to look forward to the future with hope. I am a bilingual (Spanish-English) LPC.
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