(This is part 2 of a series on having a healthy sex life in your marriage. You can view part 1 of the series here.)
But since we are talking about frequency, there is so often a problem with couple’s sex lives and a change in frequency seems like it would be the solution, but rarely is it. Frequency is rarely going to have the same threshold for two different people when your resources for loving each other are limited.Granted, I have met a few couples who were content with their sex frequency.
But you came here for a quick answer, didn’t you? You wanted to see if you were right and she/he were wrong? Maybe you just came seeking understanding of your sexually manic/frigid spouse.
Ok, the answer is:
Keep working on it. Keep learning about it. More… learn about your spouse.
This is one of the powerful advantages of sex within the context of a lifelong covenant… you are learning a person, not just a behavioral technique that only partially transfers to another person. Instead, you earn the PhD in the inner (and outer) workings of another human being!
This plays into the power of intimate sexuality – having another person rather than just having sex.
There is no such number that would be accurate for everyone.
Remember that I said there were a few couples who were, from a frequency perspective, content with their sex life?
Early on, if a couple claimed to be content or happy with that, I would ask how often they engaged sexually.
I am not kidding, that of the few couples who said they were content (and I do not think they were lying about any of it) I had one couple claim to typically engage sexually 2-3 times per day. You read that right.
This was not one week after marriage, this couple was in their late 40’s and had been married for quite a while.
It is not easy to not seem surprised at some answers, let me tell you, but I casually asked them how they managed this.
“Without kids home anymore, we typically have sex in the morning and at night and sometimes I come home at lunch and we have sex then.”
I don’t think they were kidding me.
I am sure that much less and they would have been discontent. That could’ve created conflict for them.
Another couple told me they were BOTH just as completely content with the frequency of sex at 6 times per year.
Typically (but as I understand it only about 70% of the time, the man in the marriage desires sex more frequently than the woman), so I checked in to make sure that was cool with him. I assure you I was convinced it was, and that he was not expressing sexuality in any other ways, either (more on that later)…
Here is what I would tell you when it comes to frequency. For Couple A, the answer was 2-3 times a day (at least in that stage of their lives). For Couple B, the answer was about 6 times per year (at least at their stage of life).
What is the number for you and your spouse?
If you are not both content and satisfied, then you don’t know either… at least not yet.
And that is okay.Chaos theory teaches us that complex things are incredibly difficult to study in detail… and that the more detail we seek, the more the attempt to quantify the more error is made. Measuring a shoreline is impossible because of all of the factors and changes. Human personality, sexuality, and relationships are more complex by far… so something this complex will need to be in motion and dynamic… it can change week-to-week.
You must keep talking about it. Find out if there are emotional drains making it impossible for one of you to desire sex as often as the other. And then talk about how to create a life that is not so packed in. Create the margin necessary for the recharge needed! It may mean sacrifice.
Marriage success is defined by sacrifice – or at least modeling the kind of love God has for His people. This love is best exhibited by sacrifice.
What that means is that the fact that a husband and a wife do not desire sex at the same time, or the same way, or at the same frequency, must be seen as an opportunity… An opportunity to love that person by moving toward them!
(see part 3 of this article here)
You’re not alone and we would love to join you as you take steps toward a stronger, healthier future.
I believe we all need a safe place to explore the issues that may be preventing us from experiencing a full and satisfying life. My greatest reward as a therapist is helping my clients examine ways to make the changes in their lives that will allow them to look forward to the future with hope. I am a bilingual (Spanish-English) LPC.
Our team will reach out to you soon!